How Self-Compassion Helps with Anxiety
Anxiety typically comes with an endless loop of self-doubt, overthinking, and worry. But it often also includes self-criticism. When anxiety takes hold, many people respond by pushing themselves harder, trying to control their thoughts, or berating themselves for not having their thoughts and behaviors “under control.” But what if the key to managing anxiety wasn’t about trying to fix yourself—but about treating yourself with kindness instead?
Self-compassion is a powerful yet often overlooked tool in managing anxiety. Instead of fueling the cycle of self-judgment and worry, self-compassion helps you approach your struggles with understanding, patience, and care. In this post, we’ll explore what self-compassion is, why it matters for anxiety, and how you can start practicing it today.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion, a concept popularized by Dr. Kristin Neff, is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and support that you would offer a friend. It has three key components:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Criticism – Instead of beating yourself up for feeling anxious, you learn to respond with gentle encouragement and support.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation – Recognizing that anxiety is a shared human experience helps you feel less alone in your struggles.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification – Acknowledging and allowing yourself to experience your feelings without trying to judge, change, or control them.
When you integrate self-compassion into your life, you create a mindset that helps you manage anxiety in a more sustainable and healthy way.
How Self-Compassion Helps with Anxiety
1. It Interrupts the Cycle of Self-Judgment
Many people with anxiety experience an internal dialogue that sounds something like this:
"Why am I like this? I should be able to handle this better. No one else struggles like I do."
These thoughts not only make anxiety worse but also create a spiral of shame and isolation. They make you feel like there is something wrong with you for having anxiety in the first place. Self-compassion helps you to remember that anxiety is normal, and feeling anxious doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. What would it be like if instead of responding to your anxiety with judgment, you thought something like: "I’m having a tough moment and that’s okay. I am doing the best I can and I deserve kindness." Responding to yourself with understanding (instead of criticism) helps to interrupt the negative thought loop fueling your anxiety.
2. It Reduces Avoidance and Fear of Failure
Anxiety often fuels avoidance—whether it’s skipping social situations, holding back from new opportunities, or hesitating to take risks. We avoid because we’re trying to protect ourselves from rejection, failure, or embarrassment. But in staying “safe,” we also miss out on growth, connection, and new experiences. Avoidance keeps us stuck, preventing us from making friends, exploring new possibilities, or pursuing our passions. If we only take action when success is guaranteed, we limit ourselves far more than failure ever could.
Self-compassion offers a way out of this type of thinking, reminding us that taking risks and experiencing failure are natural parts of being human. Instead of thinking, “I can’t do this—I’ll mess it up,” self-compassion shifts the perspective to, “It’s okay if I struggle. I can learn from this, and my worth isn’t tied to my performance.” This mindset helps you face anxiety-provoking situations with greater ease and less pressure, focusing not on the outcome, but on the courage it takes to show up and try.
3. It Encourages a Calmer Nervous System
Self-criticism activates the body’s stress response, keeping you in a heightened state of anxiety. On the other hand, self-compassion activates the parasympathetic nervous system—the body’s natural calming mechanism. In Kristin Neff’s book, Self-Compassion, she cites a study that asked people to think about self-critical statements while being scanned in an MRI machine. They found that self-criticism activates the fight or flight response - meaning when we criticize ourselves, we create stress, fear, and panic. Self-compassion, on the other hand, can help regulate your nervous system and bring a sense of calm. If self-criticism tells us, “You’re in danger,” self-compassion tells us, “You’re safe here.”
How to Start Practicing Self-Compassion for Anxiety
Notice Your Inner Dialogue – Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself. Would you say the same things to a friend? If not, reframe your thoughts with kindness. Try writing down the self-criticisms you hear, and then reframing them to reflect a more compassionate view of the situation. Remember: if you wouldn’t say it to someone else, then you shouldn’t say it to yourself.
Use Self-Compassionate Affirmations – The best affirmations are the ones you believe are true. So do your best to identify a few self-compassion statements that feel believable to you. Here are a few ideas to get your mind rolling:
“I am doing my best, and that is enough.”
“It’s okay to feel anxious; I don’t have to fight it.”
“I am worthy of kindness, even when I’m struggling.”
Practice Self-Soothing Touch – Placing a hand on your heart, giving yourself a hug, or even gently rubbing your arms can help signal safety to your nervous system.
Acknowledge That Struggle is Universal – When you feel anxious, remind yourself that many others experience the same thing. You are not alone in this. Everyone on the planet has felt scared, lonely, disappointed, or embarrassed. No matter the situation, there’s someone on this planet who can relate to your experience. You’re not alone - even if that is how it feels right now.
Give Yourself Permission to Rest – Anxiety often tells us we need to do more, be more, achieve more. Self-compassion reminds you that rest is just as valuable as productivity. So take a nap, watch the reality show, or do your favorite hobby. Self-care can be a powerful act of self-compassion.
Final Thoughts
Anxiety can feel overwhelming, but self-compassion provides a way to navigate it with grace. Instead of fighting against your emotions, try offering yourself the kindness you truly deserve. By shifting your mindset from self-criticism to self-support, you can build resilience, calm your nervous system, and find a more peaceful relationship with your thoughts.
Want more help with your anxiety? Read more about how we help anxious people here.
Self-compassion is a powerful tool for managing anxiety. Learn how it can help you reframe negative self-talk, embrace challenges without fear of failure, and navigate anxious moments with kindness rather than self-criticism.